Where I'm Not Even Sure What The Hell I'm Talking About.

We all have our insecurities. Not all of us are willing to admit it thought. But I always believe that we all have that. That one thing that keeps bothering you no matter how you try to ignore it. Feeling not good enough. Fear of losing because of that. Not knowing what to do or say, also, because of that.

Not everything from the past - either yours or others - you can easily accept or forget. Because sometimes, they leave a scar. It might not hurt you anymore, but the scar stays. And every time you look at it, accidentally or not, you'll remember what you've been through. Or what the other person went through.

I've been through my hell. I might share every little bits of it with everyone. But the ones that are close to me knows every single detail of it. I spent years punishing myself because I believe that those things happened because I let them.
But ...
since the middle of last year, I got tired of doing that. I started to realise that it's not doing me any good. It didn't change anything. It didn't make me a better person. It just made me ... sad. And hurt.
The problem is, when you're used to doing one thing, it's quite a hard work to stop doing it. Trust me, it's not as easy as it sounds.
I stopped believing a lot of things for years. Things I used to believe. It's not easy to start believing again.
I've been building my four walls for years. Now I feel like I'm taking them down, brick by brick.
The process of something can really drain the soul out of a person.

The last few of days, I've been facing a lot of things. Stuff that I usually fight by myself. Things that I usually don't give a rat's ass about. I rarely let myself feel intimidated. Despite of my self - esteem issue.
I was intimidated by people I've never met. People I've only heard stories about. I don't know why.
But I'm going to try to find my center again. I'm not going to let one sad - pathetic - semi-psychotic -definitely crazy - manipulative - bitch, bring me down.

The demons that we need to fight are usually in us.

Not saying that I understand completely how to fight them. I'm still learning. But I know I'll get there. I believe we're all better and stronger than we thought.

I'm not going to pretend that I'm a changed person right away just so that people could admire my strength. Or something "meh" like that. I'm not going to start announcing to the world about, 

"OH, WORLD! Look at me! Look at me! I'm so positive! I'm spreading my positive energy to you, world! LOOK AT ME, WORLD! Because you focuses on ME!"

I don't pull shit like that.

People like YOU, pull shit like that.

And that is why you and me are different. 

There will come a day where thinking about my hell won't hurt me anymore.
There will come a day where thinking about that crazy-delusional bitch will only make me laugh.
At her, not with her, of course.
There will come a day where, even if I can't totally win the fight against my demons, I would at least be able to control them.
There will come a day where, I could say, " HAH! Look who's laughing now, losers! "

But through out the process, don't give up on me.
:')

--------------------

PS :
I feel like I've been neglecting this blog. HAHA. Or maybe not.
I just don't ramble crap like this as much as I used to.
Because that's what THIS blog is for.
Meh.