November

It's November again. It would be a total cliche for me to say how time flies. But that's one of the very few cliches that I believe. I feel like January 2011 was about last month.
Lots of things happened in a year's time. Last year's November, I was still trying to tell myself that I can get over Pete. That I'll be okay without him in my life. No matter how void it might be, but I'll survive. This November, we're counting down the months to our wedding.
Last November, I was treated like crap by someone who I, unconsciously, allow. Just so I won't feel lonely. Now, I'm with the one person I want to be with. The one I've wanted to be with since the first time I "met" him 3 years ago. The one that made me believe in commitment and marriage.

It's weird, isn't it?
The world's sense of humor or whatever you'd like to call it.
Annoying, sometimes funny, but definitely weird.

Last November, my dad was still around.
Now, it's been 7 months since his death.
Seven months.

My mom flew to Penang yesterday with my brother. She's going to have a minor surgery on her throat. And also an endoscopy. I know how hard it must be for her to go there. To face the doctors. They will definitely be asking about my dad. The hotel's staffs - the one right in front of the hospital where they always stay - will be asking about him too.
I know I shouldn't be worrying, but I am. I try not to show it.

And it sucks to not have anyone to talk to.
I just ... I'm usually good at being strong. Pretending to be strong. Whatever. But, lately, I feel like I'm going soft. Maybe because I'm in love. Not saying that being in love is a bad thing. It's good. It's great. It's wonderful. Wouldn't trade it for the world. I just don't want it to change me. I don't want to become that weak and clingy girl. I don't to be clingy to Pete. I don't want to make him feel guilty when he doesn't have the time for me because he needs to finish his work. I wasn't that person. I don't want to be that person.
Y'know what I mean?

I've never been good with emotions. I've never been good with telling someone about what I feel. Maybe that's why we've been fighting quite a lot the last few weeks. My inability to communicate mixed with a jar of insecurities which, of course, came with a dosage of poor self esteem. Sometimes, I just feel lost in my own mind. In my own words. In my own emotions.
Like right now.

I suck at being human.

I'm not going to say that I've changed a lot, as a person. But I've changed. Although those changes might seem invisible for some. Invisible and insignificant. And sometimes, I feel like I'm still doing it wrong and I might not be able to do it right. Ever.
I feel like I keep doing it wrong. I keep saying the wrong things, at the wrong time, making people taking it the wrong way.
I went back thinking that it might just be a lot better if I changed to my old self. The one that bottles up things and just let it evaporates until the bottle is empty again.
The one that deals with things by herself.
The one that isn't clingy.
The one that isn't weak.

I don't know why I suddenly feel like loathing this soften-up version of me.
I spent almost my entire life living inside this room I built. In between these walls.
Now, I feel like one by one gets teared down.
And it scares me a bit.

LOL.

I am sooooo talking crap right now, aren't I?
I don't know.
Maybe I am.
Maybe I just miss my dad.
Maybe I'm just a bit anxious about my mom.
Maybe I just feel like I'm alone when I'm not.
Maybe I'm just being a dramatic ol' bitch.
Maybe .... I'm just scared.

Okay.
I'll wrap this up and shall disappear with my bag of crap.

By the way, welcome November!

PS : I've been totally hooked to Grey's Anatomy for a week now. I finished 2 seasons in less than a week. I think I might finish 3 tomorrow.
Season 3 episode 21, where George talked to his dad that was in coma? Made me cry like a baby.
85% of that episode is like a rerun for me. Difference is, I'm not a doctor.
I'm not George O'Malley.
Heh.