Simpler Things

I just want to get married and spend the rest of my life with (one of) my best friend who I love with all my heart despite his stubbornness. I just want to start a new chapter of my life with that person. More than anything. Without having to worry about one piece of paper or two just so the whole world can be certain about his religion/faith. Because that makes me feel like I'm making him to do something that he doesn't want. And it hurts. Me.
And when he says he feels alone - because his family doesn't understand why he needs to do what he needs to do and not giving him the one thing he needs, which is support - it hurts too. Because I'm here and he's there. If distance was a person, I'd be screaming in front of him/her right now.

I just want to get married without having to worry about disappointing (other) people that I also care very much. I want my mom to "send me off". Because I'm her only daughter and I know how much it will mean to her. And because after that, I'll be far away from her for ... I don't know how long. I want my brother to be there. I want to be able to visit my dad after the wedding, with my husband, so I can say goodbye and tell him that I finally found that one person I want to be with and will take care of me. That he doesn't have to worry about me anymore. That I still wish he was still around to walk with me down the aisle. And that I will miss him when I'm gone.

I wish things were simpler.
I wish I didn't have to hurt anyone by making them do things they don't want.
I wish I could make a decision without having to disappoint others.
I wish things were simpler.

And then, fear sets in.
Fear that he would feel this is too much and decided to walk away.
I know he said he wouldn't. But isn't surprise one of the elements of life?

I'm thinking about a lot of people's feelings. I'm willing to ignore mine because I care about them more than I care about myself. But one can only be strong so far. I'm willing to ignore mine because I know, after this, everything will be better.

I am drown in guilt and feeling pretty much useless.
And would really like to hurt myself because, usually, that is my release.

I just wish things were simpler.