How To Disappear Completely

So after listening to that song for over ten times, in the dark, smoking almost half a dozen of cigarettes -- I decided to write this crap out. But truth be told, I don't really know what to write. About void? What is there really to write about it? The word basically speaks for itself. And with it also came flashes of images, faces of people, repeated jabs right on my chest. How I've been through shifts from good to bad to worse to worst to alright to okay to just trying to hang on to worst to bad and now --- good. Again.
The people that, may or may not, helped me to fill that void. Usually ended up with me hitting rock bottom. But then again, they weren't there to make feel good. They're just there to fill. This stage of 'good' I'm in, is scary. I'm not used to it. I was, once. But it didn't last long. I don't know, maybe deep down inside, I knew that would happen. I was never cut out for anything good anyway. I will always, sooner or later, mess it up and destroy everything. Now, I'm good again, and already my mind is finding plots on how to destroy this. Maybe because, somehow, I know that I'm only good with one thing; pushing people away. Before they give me paper cuts and wounds that will leave scars. And other shit. I'm used to the lullaby of paranoia. The constant running from reality. Maybe I'm just a born coward. Or maybe I just know that I should not be wasting other people's time by sticking around. Around me. 

That one message actually froze me up for, like, 2 minutes. 
Trying to decide what I should feel.
Then, I decided to not feel anything. 
Because, sometimes, nothing is better.
But when you're used to nothing, it's nice to actually know "something".
I don't know.
I'm emotionally disabled, I guess. 
And sometimes, I think -- it would be better if I don't drag anyone down with me. 


I just feel like I'm going downhill, again.
And as easy as it would be to get back up again with some pills, I'd rather not. I'll just torture the shit out of my mind. Like I'm trained to.


YOU, make me happy.
And it's scares the shit out of me.
It really does.


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