8 Days

Today's day 8 of dad being hospitalized. 

8 days of emotional roller-coaster.
8 days of sleep deprivation.
8 days of my unstable appetite to eat.
8 days of convincing and trying to keep mom calm and stop her from saying stuff like, " We're going to lose him... " or " You should fold all of his clothes and keep it somewhere else. He won't be using them anymore..."
8 days of feeling like I just want to sleep so that I won't have to think about stuff.
8 days of seeing him, laying on that hospital bed, smelling pill-ish, with two tiny hoses down his nostrils and another two on his wrists. 
8 days of thinking, I would do anything to make him feel better. How I am now willing to forgive him for all the wrongs he had done in the past.
8 days of feeling depressed but at the same time, trying so hard not to show it.


It's draining me out.


But, it's also ...


8 days of me being thankful. 
Thankful for all the friends I got. The people I've never met, taking the time to type down, " Hope your dad feels better soon, Yun... " or " Stay strong, Yun ... " or " I'm here if you need anything ... "
Yeah, they might not mean anything to you, but to me -- they mean a lot. I appreciate the kind gesture, very much.
Thankful for friends in real life that took the time to listen to me ramble about my dad's condition ( that would be you, Bobbbbbyy..! ) and to text me right after I tweeted about the doctor that said he *might* have cancer. ( that would be you, Wahyu..! ) And the bbm(s), the direct messages. Thankful.

Thankful because this has - somehow - made us communicate more. As in me, my mom and older brother. As a family. 
On the 5th day, that was actually the first time my older brother stroke my hair and cried on my shoulder. Just for 2 or 3 seconds, he put his head on my left shoulder and cried. First time after being his sister for almost 27 years.


Thankful for you. Yes, you. 
I'm glad we're talking again. You can always - no, really. ALWAYS ... - make me feel better at the end of the day. You don't magically change things to be alright or whatever, but you helped making it bearable. 
And that 3 hour - ish, talk we had last night ... well, some parts of it are still dangling in my head. I'm still trying to find ways to get over them, but other than that ... I'm glad you're around. I'm sorry if I've been dropping sad stories on you for the last 8 days. Thank you for not agreeing with me and think of them as sad stories. Thank you for not shutting me down when you have the option to and even after I reminded you about that option. Talking to you ... always makes my day. 
And, yes ... despite of everything,
I _____ you too. 
:)


Point is, aside from major bad thing that's been happening for the last 8 days, I can still find things to be thankful for. Not because I feel the need to be some sort of a fake optimist, but because I really am thankful for them. 
You wanna do this to me now, universe?
Fine.
I'm too tired to be upset. I've shifted to the "surrender" gear now. I won't be fighting you back anymore. 




PS : 


A couple of days ago I saw 2 visits from London. If you are who I think you are, hope my previous post managed to get in to your head. But if you're not - if you're a friend who she asked to read my blog while she goes hysterical and shit - well, I don't really care.
Like I said, now -- I couldn't care less about trash(es). But still, if you still feel like you're not getting the drama you're looking for, bring it on. TO MY FACE. Or ... to my comment box. Or ... to my formspring. Which ever the fuck suits you. I will make time for you.
Okay?




Cheers!


x