The Universe's Crap

Dad is now officially hospitalized. When they came back from their routine medical check up yesterday and mom told me about dad's results, I've been feeling like shit. The doctor said that his lung is filled with liquid and is pretty "broken" due to his chain smoking hobby. Suggested that it should be "cleaned" and that dad should stop smoking after that. Being the stubborn man that he is, dad said that he rather die than to stop smoking. So no action was taken. And they went home. 

*sigh*

And this morning, dad was rushed to the hospital by my mom and older brother, because he was feeling really weak. He's been having this digestive problems for the last week too. Mom came back from the hospital earlier tonight saying that now dad also has a fever.

I've been crying almost the whole day. At home. Alone. I'm so tired.

But I can't sleep. Even when I accidentally fell asleep, I woke up with a pair of wet eyes.

I can fake and pretend to be alright for a while. Tweet about casual stuff. Trying to be funny. As usual. But after that, I ended up crying again. Having emotional monologues in my head.

I'm so upset. 

Why is this happening now?

I kept repeating on the "why".
I'm so sick of the "why".

Thinking about dad's condition and knowing that my own plans might go out of the window. Call me a selfish child, but I have never asked for many things. Fuck, I have never asked for anything in a very long while. Once I did, this is what I got?

I'm so mad at a lot of things. I don't know. Maybe I'm just looking for something to blame. 

My head hurts. Not a headache. It just hurts.

And you, thank you for being so nice to me. Listening to my crap. Taking bags of emotional garbage from me. Trying to calm me down and cheer me up. I would be okay without 'em. I'm already used to that. 

But it is nice to have somebody who is ... there. For you.

Last night, you said, 

" The universe ... it has a way of working things out. "

True.

But the universe has never been a friend of mine. I'm guessing it's going to be that way too this time. 

I know it.

I'm almost certain.

No.

I am certain of it.

I'm sorry if I really do can't make it. I know you said that things will be alright. But I tend to get the other one. The not alright part. Again, I'm used to that. So, I'm already preparing for the worst. For everything. Just in case I'm right ( which I'm sure I am ), I'm sorry ...

I seriously can't stop crying. It's ridiculous.

And I seriously wish you were here ( or I was there? Either way... ) so much, it's not even funny.

Guessing I'm just a bit messed up at the moment.

Even this post is messed up. Like, I'm not even sure what I'm talking about anymore. Just random crap. 

I really wish you were here.

.......................................