This is What Knowing and Surrendering Feels Like ...

When I first made this new blog account, my good friend Rini said that maybe I should consider it as a good thing. To have a clean start with the stories I'm going to be posting here. My old blog was quite gloomy, filled with angst and - somewhat, we Indonesians would call - galau.

I said, " Yeah. Maybe you're right ... "

But, life is a series of good things and shitty things, right?

The last few months has been great. He's back and we're both really excited for April. But then life takes it turn.

Dad got sick and hospitalized.

For three weeks being in the hospital and the last one week in the ICU room, we - his family - never stopped trying. Never stopped fighting. We did everything we could.

But yesterday, my older brother said that we're letting him go tomorrow. Sunday. All the machines that's been helping/keeping him alive will be "unplugged". Not because we don't love him anymore, but quite the opposite. It's because we love him so much, we can't stand to see him in so much pain any longer.

Plus the doctors said that it's not a good thing to "keep" someone on machines for too long. That's pretty much like torture. And also, his internal organs are shutting down. And his body is bloating due to all the liquids and medications that's been injected to his body.

This is for the best.

I am truly sad. Even as I type this, my hands are shaking and trying to hold back my tears. But, deep inside, I'm glad knowing that he'll soon be out of his misery.

I just wished that he'd meet him first. The man who's been so wonderful to me through out these painful weeks. And who managed to make me smile - even laugh - through it all. The one who is willing to go through a three days flight from London to Medan just to be here with me.

You'd like him, dad ...

He's really nice.

Okay.

I just needed to let this out of my system.

Again.

I have never hated a weekend as much as I do now.

NEVER.

But .. this is what knowing and surrendering feels like.

Now, I know.

..........