... dreams ...

So today, I came to this - kind of - workshop that was held at this university. Not because I wanted to, but because I made an appointment to meet up with one of the guest ( I think he's the only guest ... ), Raditya Dika. Yeah, most of you Indonesians are probably familiar with his name. He's a writer. He's the first writer that made a book from his blog. I guess you all know that already too.
I wanted to do an interview with him.
But before I can do that, I had to wait until he's finish giving his talk. Meaning, he was there to share tips and advices about how to be creative - especially if you want to be a writer. I heard him for 30 minutes or so. I have to say, all the things he was saying, about writing, I can relate. The difference is, he has the guts to actually let people read his writing. I ... don't. Hell, I don't even write anymore. Aside from posting crap on this blog, of course.
But in that 30 minutes of time, my brain sort of went on a replay mode. About how much I loved writing. About how that was one of my biggest passion. How that - sort of - became an exit for me from this world. Like, I could write everywhere. About anything. And no matter how crappy they were - oh they were - I always believed that they're good. Well, at least for me. So if it's good enough for me, fuck the rest of the world.
I remember, when I was in my second semester in college, the bastard I was dating at that time ( no, I'm not saying that just because he's now an ex - I'm actually fucking happy that he's an ex - but because he is a bastard. In every possible way and definition .. ) said that I was no good at it.
I was with him for one and a half year. And through that painful times, I sort of let myself to believe that. I don't know why. Maybe because I was stupid. That's like the only excuse I can find. What's worse is, I don't know how to shake that off. So it kind of stuck. Me believing I'm not good at it, that is.

I also remember conversations I had with a friend a long time ago. We used to spent nights talking about stuff on the Yahoo Messenger. Stuff about dreams and how people that you're hoping to give you the support you need are the ones killing them. Which would be the classified as one of the most brutal "murder" ever. And it will be pretty difficult to "resurrect" from that. Then, after trying - to "resurrect" that is - for so long and failing, you just sort of ... stopped.

I just miss being crazy passionate about something. Doing something that could make me feel disconnected with the world. Just shut it all up. Where I can just see people moving their lips but not hearing anything they're saying. Trust me, it's good if you can totally do that every once in a while.
For the last 2 or 3 years, it's been photography. And that's probably why it took me quite a while before I have the guts to even show them to people. Strangers. Not just friends that I know will say good things just because they're friends and that's what friends do. Because I was afraid that I might be considered not good enough for this one as well. But lately, having awesome, talented, photographer friends that's being very supportive and kind, sort of makes me feel that it'll be okay. That even if I suck at it, I can still be better.
( PS : Thanks you guys. I've always believed that being surrounded with  creative - and not being snobs about the creativity - people is a blessing. :) )

But, something that Dika said today sort of slapped me in the face. Well, a gentle-ish kind of slap. He said that before you want others to like your work - whatever that may be - you have to believe that they will because you gave your best in to it. You first must feel sure and confident about your work. So even if it turns out that people don't like it, you'd still have the strength to fix that and make it better.
Because it's better to suck at doing something, and know how to be better at it, instead of being awesome in doing nothing.

Good point there, Dika.

We didn't get the chance to do the interview because he needs to go straight to airport after that. So I didn't think that it would be a good idea to do a two page article in less than 15 minutes with reporters from other media ( one of which, hates my magazine to the bones ... ).
So he suggested that we should do it by phone. Which is a pretty good idea to me. And yes, media rival, I enjoy every second of that envy stare you gave me. EVERY FREAKING SECOND OF IT.
Bite me and you're welcome.

But yeah, to dream is free. To make your dreams come true, is not. Because that will take a lot. And there will be people who will say that you don't have what it takes to make it come true, and that's one of the many reasons why it's not free. You're going to pay that with ignorance. And there will be time where, even just to ignore things, feels difficult.

I'm starting to get the feeling that I'm rambling, so I'll stop right there. I hope I'm making sense. But if not, ah well ... whaddaya gonna do, right?