36 Degrees Rambles

It's Saturday, 2.33 pm, when I started writing this post. My fever is spiking up again, after feeling better for around two days. My coughing is worse. Maybe because I didn't sleep at all last night. Wait, I did sleep. But ... not really. You know what I mean? Like, sleeping - eyes shut and all - but your mind just keeps on wondering and before you know it, you're crying. Or feeling like beating yourself up until you pass out. As fun as that may sound, it's also pretty tiring.
I'm sitting in my car that's parked outside a supermarket, air-con is on - because it's ridiculously HOT today. 36 degrees kind of hot - and just ... browsing. And smoking. I just needed to get out of the house, but I don't really feel like going somewhere.
So here I am.
Sitting in my car.
Alone.
Writing down crap.

You know that feeling where, one of your biggest fear is (starting) to come true?
It's such a nice, warm, feeling. Isn't it?
And when people say they understand, but they don't?
When they're saying that, probably, just to shut you up and carry on throwing  chunks of their ego at you?

Have you ever said something not because you want someone to do something but just because you want that person to know what you're thinking / feeling?
And watch the conversation going to another direction?
To a direction where the other person feels like you're making them feel responsible for all the crap you've been through in the past?
It's funny how from (just) wanting to let a person know what you are thinking / feeling ended up to that.
It's so funny, you don't even feel like laughing.
It's so funny, you are thinking that, " This is exactly why I prefer not to say anything. "
It's so funny, you are sure that the right thing to do is just ... to stop making that person from feeling that way and just ... walk away.

You're just tired of (considered) being selfish.

They say they understand, but they don't.
Or they do, but they want you to understand them more.
When all you wanted was to let them know what you're feeling.
Ego.

Or maybe because you're just ... crap.
You are.
I am.
That's why ....... oh, nevermind.

I always fuck things up. This shouldn't be a surprise.
I never want anyone to feel like they have to pay for the fucked up things I went through in the past.
But I should always accept if they want to make me feel that way.
That's how it goes.
That's all I'm good for.
So, in order to stop people - anyone - from feeling like they have to pay for anything, I'll just restore my default settings.
Just shut my mouth up, let people say/do whatever they want and just not care about it.
I'm not going to care.
And I'll be ready when I am asked to leave.
Or when people decided to leave.
That will be their default setting.
Whatever.
I made it through the first time.
I'll make it through the second time.
Good things aren't made for me anyway.

Okay.
I need to buy myself  a cough syrup.

Have a great Saturday, people.
Sorry if I already - accidentally(?) - ruined yours.
That's a skill that I'm going add on CV.
For future reference.


-- 3.10 pm --